Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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