The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
