Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
