1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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