can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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