I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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