My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
