remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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