Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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