he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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