Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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