they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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