A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
