he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
