I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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