hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
