life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
PANTIES FOUND
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
