Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
