just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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