Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
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what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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