I'm gonna have a badass scar
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
