Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The beer is more important than you right now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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