He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
