Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
