New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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