Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
