The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
