Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
