You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
