I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dear god my vagina.
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