I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
love makes seman taste better
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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