Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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