my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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