I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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