From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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