Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
