a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
