What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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