good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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