dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
