i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
