I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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