On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
