I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
