end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
