Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
