dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
