The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
