I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
