I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
