census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
