Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We were destined to go to rehab together
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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