your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
