what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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