Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
