I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
