You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.