I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.