she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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