they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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