My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's rum buckets o'clock
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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