i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
