There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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